Today was one of them. The worst days of my life are when I question how I am doing as a mother. I single out those few instances, among the mass of great moments, where I could have done things differently. I start to question how I’ve prioritized the important things in my life. I start to wonder who I’ve become..how I’m far from where I expected I’d be..
You see what’s happening here? I’m thankful that I can catch myself when I’m falling deep, but It always astounds me to see how quickly that slope opens up and pulls me down. It is so terribly difficult to be there for everyone, but never ask from anyone. I have such a lonely mind at the moment and these thoughts overwhelm me.
I do everything my heart and soul can handle for my son. I work tirelessly, day in and day out with one goal in mind; his pure & utter happiness. I will stop at nothing to give that to him. All of these thoughts, this roller coaster I was on today, stemmed from some poorly thought of words, incorrectly strung together from the mouth of someone who has proven to fail this same boy I’d do anything for.
I am hardest on myself. I’ll always be my own worst enemy, but I can take that. These out of the blue jabs to my integrity make me so damn angry, but then I dust myself off, wipe my eyes, breathe like its my last time and thank the Lord it’t not.
I hope I can show my son the same strength to get through the dark in exchange for even the slightest bit of light.
With love & tired eyes,