Why I’m putting everything I’ve got on the line..
I am not afraid to admit that throughout my weeks of working from home recovering from surgery, I have severely and heavily dissected my life and how I am living it. I got to thinking about how well I’m balancing home and work. How much I’m getting out of what I’m putting in.
If I were to have asked myself at 18, if I’d be happy doing what I’m doing now, I’d have said no. And I’m not. I’ve taken the jobs I’ve had to take and have successfully climbed the ladder in my field. There is no doubt that for where I’m at and what I do, I have done well for myself. But I am finding that I don’t like the job I have, I don’t like the career path I’ve chosen to follow, I don’t like putting my son in daycare full time, I don’t really like the car I drive, and I don’t really care for where I live….
So what’s the point?!
No; Seriously..What’s the point? This is my life. My one life. I’ve been through more in my quarter of a century life than a lot of people see their entire lives. I’ve had multiple types of cancer, and willfully, gracefully, and without a doubt survived the hell out of it. I’ve had one major surgery, each year, for the past three years, all while raising my child, getting divorced, trying to keep a meaningful relationship alive..and WORKING MY ASS OFF, all while feeling like I’m the worst mom in the world.
I feel like I’ve been given the greatest gift of all, I’ve had multiple chances to give up against my will, and even then I didn’t give in. Why the FUCK would I give in now?! Hell no!!!
So that is why, I am going back to when I was happiest. I worked my hardest to graduate high school early. Spent every “excused absence” wisely by playing hookie, and booking a photo shoot for side money. I worked full time when I got out of school early each day. I wanted to work to support my modeling career. I did it for a little while, and it was the most fun I’ve had. It’s the ultimate feeling of utter confidence. I love seeing how different I can look and know that someone finds it beautiful. I love working hard to maintain something that should be treated like a temple in the first place. I worked a few great opportunities, but then life got in the way quick and I moved as far and as fast as I could, forever severing my ties with a dream of mine I thought I was over.
Fast forward to me now. I want more from my life. I want purpose. I want to feel something. I feel like I am in limbo mode and I will not live like that. I think some people crave the comfort and ease of a full time, safe and secure job that will always take more than it gives.
I am tired of that. I know I have more to give. I have too much passion boiling in my blood to just idly sit by with a story to be told and a mouth permanently closed.
I feel that modeling made me feel beautiful then, and I’ve grown to love my body so much more than I did then, even though it’s been through a lot and has had some drastic scars and changes added. I am beautiful, and if I can get to a place where I could have more people to listen, I feel like I can help inspire others to really look for their passion, for their beauty.
I can completely say that I am totally fucking panicking about going back to the office when my recovery is over. I feel like now that I’ve had my wake up call, any time spent doing what I’ve admitted to make me miserable, is lost time. I need to figure this out.
I need to find out where my happiness lies. Where I truly will get the most out of what I’ve given to this life. Where the balance makes sense to give my heart the fullness it craves. I want to change my life, and I am going to do it right now…..